She said to me, “I would have never know you were in such need. Every time I saw you, you were smiling, you were joyful, how was we supposed to know?”

In that moment, I felt sad that I didn’t trust, truly trust any of my friends with the battle we faced financially this past year.  The thing is, the financial battle, in my mind, was not even the worst of it. The battle to learn what I needed to in the middle of this storm, this valley, this desert place, was the true test.

I have learned the most valuable lesson I will ever learn. That relying on your own strength is not always being strong. There is a strength in being weak. In asking for some help. My way of dealing with this last year went a little like this….

Book 46 weddings…I don’t know if you realize that most husband and wife teams don’t even book that many weddings, and they have 2 people working on everything, here it’s just me. But I thought in my head, “well, God gave me this gift, this business, and so he means for me to use ever ounce of strength I have to take care of my family.” So I did. With a pinched nerve in my back, an umbilical hernia, and Fibromyalgia, I did. And I didn’t quit. It got hard, it got impossible, it became too much for my heart and I wanted to fall……fall apart, implode, do something, give up, give in, but yet, I just kept going.

How often, oh how often do we all do that? Too often as Christians. Way too often. We think it’s all up to us. Oh how very wrong we are.

And what happened to me, happens so often. I was working to keep my family fed, bills paid, clients happy, and I became tired. Tired of people, tired of all the sadness, the evil, the way humans are to each other, and so I stopped doing things that made me have to be around other people, unless I was forced. Work was not so hard because I had a purpose, a reason to be there, a reason to love on who I was with for that day. They needed me….and the truth was I needed them. Needed to love them, needed to make their day better. With all the weddings, the late nights, the getting home at 3 and 4AM, church became one more thing that I could not handle. People asking where I had been, me trying to be happy when I was so tired…….well meant wishes and concerns, but no one knew I was in a battle for me. So I went less and less…but I didn’t stop praying.

I still thought everyone just needed me to be strong, the strong me they knew. Because lets face it…..if you have ever seen me break…I mean really break…raise your hand…..oh look, there’s 6 of you…..and I know exactly who you are.  I don’t break easy in front of people…….but ohhhh….oh my friend if you could see me when I fall at his feet, you would know that it is not because of pride that I don’t break……It’s because I know the master who holds my brokenness together. He always has.  And when I break at his feet, when I let it all unravel, I leave with reassurance that it is okay.

This time though, he wanted from me something I didn’t think I could give him……..

“I love you Susan, BE STILL. I am here for you my daughter. BE STILL. I can see past your fears my child. BE STILL. I gave you a voice, use it, but BE STILL. Pray and BE STILL.”

And a child of GOD who had forgotten she is descended from Prayer Warriors remembered her voice. One day at a time, I learned to be still. I learned to KNOW HE IS GOD in my stillness. I learned he does not require us to fill in the gaps unless he lays it on our hearts. I learned he will always guide, I learned he will always answer.

I was reminded that my hands are blessed. Twice as a young woman, I was called out and oil poured upon my hands, once I was called out and it was poured…no dumped upon my head…I remember because it took for ever for my hair to not be greasy after that. (Yes, I was 19, it was a concern of mine at the time. Lol)  God did not leave me unarmed.

I may have lost some of you there……..oil? anointing? huh? what?…….but don’t worry it’s ok, the point I am making in sharing that is this, the enemy has a way of simply finding distractions to cloud our minds, to help us forget the things that God has done for us…in such a way that we forget to trust him first in situations before we lean on our own strengths.

So am I sad this last year happened, all the hardships we faced happened, that I leaned on myself? No. Because I know more about myself now than I ever did. I know my own strength……..and I know resting in him is just so much more peaceful, joyful, and well it’s just full of more…strength. More than you will ever need.

I never once felt as though I was not blessed. I am a blessed woman. I am loved by so many people I can not even wrap my mind around it (something a very dear person helped me see recently) and I think it may be for no other reason than I love people. Not lightly, not half way or in pieces…….I LOVE…and in return, I am so loved. How can anyone who is loved in such a way ever feel as though they are not blessed?

Even in the midst of the bad, there is always good. Always light. Remember……it takes an incredible amount of darkness to rid a room of light….but all it takes is one tiny flame to bring about hope and allow you to see.

Sometimes it takes a mountain, a valley, a desert, an dry winding empty place that drains us of all our human strength. Sometimes it is for our own good, our own benefit, our own hope.

I pray and hope that even in the darkest of places, the driest of times, you can look beyond what your human eyes can see and say unto the dryness…..it is well with my soul.  And that in that moment you believe with more strength than you have ever known.