Hi my name is…….confused.
But I mean, who isn’t right now. The world is crazy. people are fighting behind their screens, tearing each other down, seeking to destroy because others disagree. I apologized to God the other night. I can’t imagine how it feels to look down at creation and see the mess everyone has made of it. How I hope he still sees some good, feels some gratitude, has reason to extend grace.
In the middle of it all…it is well with my soul. My human mind is confused by the lack of kindness…..I see you if you are sitting there and people are telling you to just get over it.
Yet I am blessed. My human body is tired, my sleep pattern is off, some days I eat watermelon. And that’s it. Those some days are becoming more and more lately. Yet I am healthy and blessed. One second I am praying, then singing old hymns, then out comes a love song. Then I am dancing in the bathroom while brushing my teeth and singing “Come Fly With Me.”
My mind finds itself unsettled, but not fearful. I like consistency, patterns, reasons and reasoning. The world is chaos right now. I am not surprised that I feel unsettled in it. The thing is, I am old enough and emotionally healthy enough to be okay being not so okay every minute. Also I am old enough to not waste time lying to myself about where I stand.
Does being honest and truthful about the place I am living in make me less…Christian? When my 15 year old gets rude with me and I have to be firm with him…is he any less my child? Do I love him less? Absolutely not. Most likely I am more forgiving and understanding because I see underneath the reasons of why.
So in moments like now, when I stand in the middle of blessings and confusion…….I don’t question my truth. I am loved. I am blessed beyond measure. I have hope for my tomorrows. And above all he knows my name. I am never alone in the wild. I am more found than maybe I have ever been.