Of what, I’m not sure to be honest.
My mom’s birthday is Sunday. For the last few weeks I have been both happy and sad, all mixed into one. For those who don’t know, my mom came down with a body wide staph infection in the middle of May this past year. The Dr.’s have yet to figure out completely what happened. They have ideas, we all do, but nothing concrete.
May 2017 started a 70 day hospital journey for my mom, and in truth my dad (since he barely left her side.) The journey is not over, the Doctor’s say it will likely be a year before her body is completely healed. Her new norm is painful days, moments when she feels frustrated at not being able to do more, and being so incredible thankful to still be alive. My dad’s new norm is being the strongest most loving man I could ever imagine. My new norm has changed from survival mode, to realization. Emotional level realization that this all happened. There is no more being able to just focus on the next step, no more running from the sheer pain that grabs my heart at how huge this battle was for our family. How huge it was for my mom, and how my dad stood unwavering in the middle of it all.
There are no more days of text messages that seemed to never end with guesses from multiple Dr.’s on the next treatment path, because there just was no set in stone path to conquer this battle. No, now there is just the surgery scars, the physical pain, the slow progression toward fully healed. I’m a fixer. I like to fix situations, problems, except lately I have been lost. I can not fix my mom’s pain, the very pain she feels is caused by surgeries that saved her life, surgeries that left her with a 12% survival rate, but for sure death without them. I’m left with nothing else to fix, no running to the hospital to give dad a break, no desperate attempts to encourage and lift up. Now life has returned to normal, except my heart feels full of tears. Tears I don’t know how to cry, because my mom is alive and in 3 days will be celebrating her birthday. I should just feel thankful right? Instead I want to hug her and cry, sob, snot running, choking can’t speak kind of crying, and express how hard it was to see her like that. How I wish I could take away her pain, give her strength, and power her healing forward at the speed of light. I feel guilt because I know others lost their mom’s last year and in my mind I imagine I should have none of these emotions now, because I am still blessed to have my mom. I wish someone could tell that to my heart and make it listen.
I won’t pretend I am handling it well. I am basically an emotional mess if left alone for to long. I need distractions, anything that helps me work through this a little at a time.
I would rather be in survival mode. Where all you can focus on is the next step. Yet here I am in the middle of the messy emotional aftermath of the realizations of life crashing down all around me. I almost lost my mom. Our family is forever changed. Life always changes.
It is all just a whisper. Just a breath. A mere moment. But yet it is over powering, consuming, beautiful, ugly, and not to be taken for granted. That is life and the path we walk through it.
If you are wondering (if you have manged to read this far) why I wrote this, why I openly shared how I am feeling? It’s because I know there are others who are feeling, facing, dealing with those same emotions, same struggles, same fight, only with different names and circumstances. I decided long ago it is far better to be the brave one who shares and lets others know they are not alone, than to hide life’s messy moments in a failed unhealthy attempt to keep the “photo” of my life perfect.
Perfect I am not. I am human. I have tough days. I have sad moments, happy moments, and times when I shut people out except those in my very small circle. It’s all a part of who I am, not perfect. I was not designed to be, I was designed to be real. And as I watched this battle that we all faced, the center of it standing my parents, I realized once again why I am strong enough to always work my way through these times. God, my daddy, and my momma made me this way.
So here is to a New Year of being stronger than you know, braver than you think, and wise beyond your years because you walk through life’s messy moments and come out the other side more polished and beautiful.
Happy Early Birthday momma. You are my shining angel here on earth and I love you so much.